Saturday (Aug 30)

Here it is, my first entry.
I guess I'll start off with some background info so you know how everything got to this point.
I'm 36, Regan is 34. We were high school sweethearts. We broke up once or twice in school but only for a week at the most. We were together when I graduated but split up later that summer. We still saw each other off and on for the next few years. Not in a relationship kinda thing, just hooked up every now and then. At the time she wanted to be back together. I did too but there was a lot going on back then. I guess the truth is that at the time I didn't trust her. The last time we were together then, when she left she asked me if I still loved her. She said if I didn't she would go and never bother me again. I was 20 years old. Just a dumb kid. I never ever thought she would really be gone for good and never wanted her to be. I always thought it would be her and I forever, but like I said, I was dumb. I told her I didn't love her anymore even though I did. She left. I watched her drive away and I remember having this feeling. I had watched her leave before but something felt different this time. As it went, she did leave, for good. That was 16 years ago. A lot has happened since then. I've been married and divorced. Went through numerous jobs. Moved a bunch of times. Spent a little time in jail on 2 different occasions. Had 2 kids. I had one before Regan and I met in high school. He's 21 now. The other 2 are a boy that is 8 and a girl that is 4. The one thing that remained the same all those years was Regan. From the time she left I knew I shouldn't have let her go. I have been in love with her since I was a teenager. Never stopped. I searched for her for 16 years. your probably thinking that it should have been easy for me to find her if I started looking right away but she had just moved out of her moms' house to her first place. I didn't know where she lived. This was before caller ID and before everyone had a cell phone. I didn't have her phone number since she always called me or she would come to my work or house. I tried to find her through friends we had in school but she didn't keep in touch with any of them. I found out right around 94 or 95 that she started a job as a stripper. I'm sure she wouldn't like that I called it that so from now on I'll say she was a dancer.
I never felt comfortable going to those clubs but knew people that went all the time so I would always ask them if they saw her. Once I ran into and old friend that did see her when she was working one night but it was years before and he didn't remember which club it was at. When the internet started getting more common and easier and cheaper to access I started looking there. I ran into one dead end after another. Now I wasn't obsessed with finding her. I wasn't spending all my time searching for her and never went to any extremes. I thought about her all the time. I wondered where she was, how she was, and hoped she was happy. I would have dreams about her all the time though. Not every night but quite often. I tried moving on. I had my share of relationships. I never tried to hid from any of them that I was looking for Regan but I never told them the real reason why. It caused quite a few arguments though.
I dated a different girl that was also a dancer for 2 years. She was nice and we got a long good for the most part but the real reason I was with her was because I thought she could some how lead me to Regan. It never happened though and we eventually went our separate ways. Years later, after my divorce, I had told my sister - in - law how I have always been searching for Regan. She gave me a few suggestions to try. I bet it wasn't a week later that I checked my email one day and there it was. Through Classmates.com I had received an email from Regan. You can't imagine how happy I was. After looking for her for 16 years, one dead end after another, she found me. She said Hi and it sure would be nice to hear from me after so long and gave me her email address. We emailed a few times, I gave her my number and we talked a lot. She never said anything but I knew from some of the things she said and the times she would call that she had a boyfriend. I told her how I had been looking for her all these years and that I had never stopped loving her. She stopped over on time and I was blown away. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever saw. Unbelievably gorgeous! Some time later she stopped calling. 2 more years went by. I searched for her name on MySpace one day and found her page. It was set to private so I had to make my own page so I could request to be added as one of her friends. She added me and we started talking again. We would talk on the phone for hours at a time. She stopped over one day to say hi. It was amazing. Nothing happened, we just hugged once and talked but when I felt her arms around me it was great. I knew we were supposed to be together. Everything felt perfect. She was telling me the same thing. She said it felt very comfortable. We started seeing each other again. This is by far the happiest point in my life. When we were together I felt like we could do anything. She made me want to be a better person. I heard her tell me she loved me for the first time in 18 years. We talked about getting married. She had 2 kids but said she wanted one more with me. I wanted the same. We went ring shopping and picked out a ring. It was a little more then I could afford right then but I was going to make sure she had it. I met her kids and she met mine. My daughter absolutley adored her. I eneded up moving in with her. This was perfect. I had wondered so many times what it would be like to be with her again and now it had finally happened. It was so much better then I had thought it could be. She had quit her job as a dancer and took a job mananging a club that she used to dance at. She said she didn't like dancing anymore and wanted to stop. She said she loved her new job. We were so happy. The nights she worked she would call on break and we would tell each other how much we missed each other. She would tell me how she couldn't wait to get home and fall to sleep in my arms. She would send me txt messages all the time. She would say that she couldn't wait to me my wife and to have my baby. She thanked me for never giving up on her. She told me that part of her had been missing for so long and that I was that part. We waisted now time trying to have a baby either. She had been on the pill for seven years and just stopped. She told me not to get my hopes up too soon cause people just don't get pregnant right away after taking the pill for that long but I still hoped, and so did she. Her period was late one month so I picked up a test. She took it as soon as I got home but it was negative.
We got in a stupid argument one night when she was at work. Really dumb. I said some things that I shouldn't have. We worked it out and got through it. One day not too long after that she came home and was completely different. Normally in a new relationship there is all the newness of it. The excitement, all that stuff. It normally wears off over time. When she came home this day it was like it all had worn off in just a few hours. Like someone had flipped it switch and it was gone. She said everything was fine so I just let it go for a while but it never changed. It did eventually start getting worse. She has anxiety problems too. She takes Celexa daily and has Zanex that she takes only when she needs it. Every time I would try to talk to her about what was going on, what had happened she would start to have an attack. I knew if the attack lasted too long she would eventually pass out. She told me that I was pouting, that I was making a big deal out of nothing and all I wanted to do was argue. I didn't want to argue at all. I wanted to get through this, to get to the bottom of it so I could change whatever I was doing wrong. She used to want to kiss all the time. We would lay on the couch together and watch tv alot. We would hold hands all the time. Now this was all gone. I couldn't get a hug or a kiss unless I asked for it and when we did I could tell it was something she didn't want to do. She wouldn't talk to me anymore unless I asked her something and even then the answer was as short as possible. This went on for 2 months. I tried to talk to her about it from time to time but it was the same thing every time. I could get her to talk about anything. She kept telling me I was pouting and you know what? At this point I was . The only thing I could get out of her was that she didn't like all the affection as much as I did. Sorry, I just don't believe that. Finally on a Thursday night a couple weeks ago, I tried to talk to her one last time. I had told her many times how what she was doing made me feel. I told her that I didn't think it was fair that she treated me this way and wouldn't tell me why. If she didn't want me around anymore why not tell me? After getting nothing again I told her that I had my daughter for the up coming weekend and that after I took her home Sunday night I would pack my things and leave while she was at work. I didn't know what else to do. I had found her after all those years, been happier then I had ever been but now I was at the lowest point. I wasn't happy anymore. She made me feel like I was nothing. When I told her that I was going to leave she acted like she didn't care at all. Later that night I was outside playing with the kids. She came to me, tears in her eyes, and told me we needed to talk. We sat down outside. I told her that the last thing I wanted to do was leave nut I didn't know what else to do. I said I felt like that what she wanted but couldn't say it for some reason. I told her I loved her with all my heart. She cried and told me she loved me too and didn't want me to go. She told me she was pregnant. She had found out a few days earlier. I'm not going to lie. My first feelings after she told me were happy. I had wanted this for so many years and even though things were not going good with us I was happy and I didn't try to hide it. She said she was happy but she sure didn't seem like it. Not one smile or anything that would make me think she really might be happy. I didn't leave. I stayed beacuse she said she wanted me to. For a few days things seemed like they might get better. She was wanting me to rub her tummy and even let me kiss it. She told me that our baby was in there. It didn't last long though. Before I knew it we were right back to where we were before. She said she had been feeling sick a lot. I didn't say anything to her about "us" anymore. I didn't want another child that I don't get to see all the time. I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I do want this baby but if possible I want us to be together with our baby.
Today is saturday. On thursday it all fell apart. I came home from work and said something about the house being a mess because I made sure it was clean every night she worked. She got mad, told me it was her house and it would be a mess if she wanted it to be. The next this I knew she was telling me to get my things and leave. I didn't want this to happen. I wanted to stay. I told her I wasn't gong to leave. She insisted that I did. I hadn't been able to talk to anyone about anything. I couldn't talk to her and don't have anyone else I can talk to about this type of thing. All this stuff has been building up for a while and it all came out tonight. I got mad, way out of line. I swore a lot. Called her some names. I said a lot of things that I didn't mean, that I should have never said. I wanted some kind emotion from her even if it was bad, I just wanted to see something. At one point she punched me in the jaw. I told her to do it again. I never touched her. Although I yelled and swore and said a lot of things I shouldn't have, I couldn never lay a finger on her. During all this at one point she told me that the baby wasn't mine. About a minute later she told me there wasn't a baby at all. In the end I did leave. She made me take everything. I didn't want to go. I wish I was still there. It seems like being unhappy with her is way better then being without her.
It's been 2 days since then and I'm a complete mess. I can't keep it together for more then an hour at a time. It wasn't supposed to end like this, not even close to this. I want her back. I want us back. I can't stop wondering if she is pregnant or not and if she is, is it mine? Is there anything I can do to fix all this? I would do anything for her. I really want her to be happy, even if it's not with me but I still think there is more to this than I know right now. I still think we could be happy together.